A Vow of Silence
by LLunaStorta
Summary: When Nick leaves for Willow Springs, Jeannie Price shows up at the Barkleys' door...
1. Chapter 1

_Heath_

We almost bumped into each other. She was going to knock on our front door as I was opening it to step outside. For a moment neither of us spoke. She was so beautiful it took my breath away. I felt my skin burn as I hopelessly blushed. I smiled and managed to find my voice in order to ask who she was and who was she looking for. As she shyly spoke, I watched her cheeks turn red, making her look even that much prettier.

"My name is Jean, Jeannie Price, and I'm looking for Nick Barkley".

My jaw dropped. I heard Nick's words again, the words he had spoken that cursed night.

 _"Nights like this always remind me of a girl I once met, in a place called Willow Springs. Her name was Jean, Jeannie Price. She had hair the color of that moon"._

She was no longer the young girl my brother had known. She was a young woman now. But her hair was still the color of the moon.

Boy howdy, wasn't that ironic? Jeannie Price, herself, had come all the way from Willow Springs looking for Nick. Too bad he wasn't here as he had left the ranch almost two months ago, headed to Willow Springs, looking for her.

She was here and he was gone.

My brother Nick and I had known each other for almost one year. Our relationship hadn't started well. Nick had hardly accepted me as a brother and had given me quite a hard time. But I had made a point of gaining his trust and I had worked hard for that, keeping my pride at bay, swallowing delusions and humiliations, and I had succeeded. Slowly, things had started to change and by the time I had been the target of Evan Miles' rifle, I knew they had changed altogether.

I could almost physically feel our connection that night. It was becoming stronger day by day. Living together, working together, two young men driven by the same principles and tied by the same blood, we were becoming what we were meant to be, real brothers and beyond, for that matter. I had never had siblings before, but I couldn't imagine a tighter bond. I didn't know about him, but I felt there was something more, something special between us.

He was leaning on a tree, I was lying on the ground with my shoulders on my bedroll, a mug of coffee in my hands, savoring the warm brew, smelling the scent of honeysuckle in the air, my brother there beside me and just the starry sky above us. Nick's soft voice telling about a girl he had known a long time before, sweet memories of an early love, of a young brother I hadn't had the chance to know. I could see them in my mind and I chuckled at the picture of a young girl landing at my brother's feet, falling from a tree she had climbed to watch the dance that was going on inside a church.

Boy howdy, it felt so damn good. But then suddenly something happened, changing our lives forever.

Something had spooked the horses, and Nick was taking the stallion away from the mares when the wolf attacked him.

"Heath!", he cried out.

Before I shot the wolf dead, it had the time to sink its poisoned fangs into my brother's arm. It was a rabid wolf. That, had been the beginning of the end of the life we were just then getting acquainted to.

Nick wanted my word not to tell anything of what had happened to the family.

He demanded of me a vow of silence.

Since then, nothing was the same anymore. We came back home and it was hard, but my ordeal began when Nick left the ranch.

I deeply loved those who had become my family. With my silence, I was making them suffer, but it was just as much painful for me. It was almost too much to bear. I had to deal with their increasingly pressing questions and at the same time every single day for two months I had to deal with my own misery suffering alone over Nick's possible death.

The very day Nick had ridden away, I began the countdown of the sixty days we had left to know whether he would live or die. I marked the numbers of each day in my notebook, Nick's dying days. I had promised I wouldn't go looking for him and was resigned to struggle on my own. I could do nothing but hope, just like the doctor had said.

The doctor we had seen soon after that night, had said the main symptoms would be headache and fits of rage. He had said that rabies had a sixty day incubation period. If at the end of those sixty days Nick was still alive, chances were he would stay that way. He gave us some pain medicine and wished us good luck.

Nick stayed at the ranch for a few more days. The symptoms appeared almost immediately, throwing our family into despair.

Then, Nick left in search of his lost love, the very girl who was standing in front of me now.


	2. Chapter 2

_Nick_

The first time it happened, I was taken by surprise. I was in my room, changing before dinner. As the headache began, my body started to shake so uncontrollably my legs couldn't bear my weight. I fell down on my knees as an excruciating pain penetrated my head like a knife turning, searching for something, leaving me without any strength. I had no choice but to surrender to its violence.

I was vaguely aware of the sound of someone's fast footsteps in the hallway, just outside my door.

Two strong arms grabbed me from behind and dragged me toward my bed, helping me lay on it. As I opened my eyes, I realized it was Heath. He silently took the pain medicine from the night table and handed me a glass of water. My hands were shaking so badly, I'd never had been able to do it on my own without spilling the water all over. He put his own hands on mine, helping me quell my tremors and stabilize the glass. He guided it toward my mouth. With his help, I was able to swallow a pill.

The whole time, we didn't speak. I couldn't talk, not even to thank him. He helped me to sit on my bed, took a quilt from the top of my closet and put it over me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. The warmth of the quilt and of his quiet presence enveloped my body and instilled a calm inside me like when, as a child, I was sick and Mother took care of me. With my eyes closed, I heard the whispered words he spoke directly into my ear: "We'll make it through this, Nick".

Later, I thought about his words, "we" he had said. Were "we" really going through this together? The worst thing of all hadn't been the terrifying moment the wolf had jumped on me, or the pain of the fangs penetrating my arm, not even the burning pain of the cauterization. It had been the calm voice of the doctor pronouncing my condemnation to death. I'd been thinking I was going to face it all alone but it wasn't true. I had dragged Heath with me into this nightmare. With what I had asked of him, I had condemned him as well.

I began to think it would be better for me to leave before my illness became too apparent to be hidden. My headaches had worsened, it felt like a scorching blade penetrating my brain making me forget about myself, about anything, just pain, a sharp, blinding pain that became my entire world the whole time it lasted.

As the doctor also predicted, the fits of rage appeared. Without reason, they took possession of my mind, driving my actions like I was brainless, a puppet in the hands of some evil entity that pulled my strings and made me do or say things I'd never do or say. I had no sort of control over them.

One day Heath was there and I hit him. I hit him hard. I wanted to kill him, I wanted to split his skull on the nearest rock. When I came back to my senses and realized what I had done, I knew the situation wasn't going to improve. I was going to hurt all of them either way. Staying, they'd see me slowly die. In the process, they'd witness my transformation into a monster, a cold-blooded killer who would murder his own brother without a second thought. Leaving, they'd lose their brother and son. I had to choose the lesser evil, and I chose to leave.

Gratefully, Eugene was in Berkley these days, so I wouldn't have to worry about him. But there was the rest of the family I had to deal with.

Audra adored me and considered me some sort of a role model. Of course, she was a girl, but somehow she wanted to be like me, just like the brave hero she thought I was. She had a wild side that made me so proud of her. A few months before she had turned eighteen, and Mother was working on her ladylike side, with some success I must say, and that made me proud just as well. She was blossoming. The mere thought that I could somehow hurt my little sister made me sick.

Jarrod wouldn't make things easy for me. We had always been close, just as close two brothers could be, and he wouldn't let me leave without a fight. The owner of a keen intelligence, he had his own way to make his will prevail, but this time he wouldn't stop me. I knew all too well I was going to hurt him leaving without an explanation, but I'd hurt him even worse staying, dying before his eyes.

But the hardest part would be with Mother. She was the most strong-willed woman I had ever known, and she immediately knew when I was hiding something. It had been that way since my childhood. I couldn't lie to her. None of us could, Heath included. She had already sensed there was something wrong, she knew it in her heart something bad was happening to one of her children.

And finally, Heath. I knew I was leaving him in a bad situation, facing the family alone with our secret and I was truly sorry for that. I now knew what an important part he had become in my life. That life that was coming to an unavoidable end.

I was sorry for all the trouble I was causing him, but I had no time to think about it now.

Now, it was the time to leave.


	3. Chapter 3

_Audra_

"Stop it, Nick! Nick! What are you doing? Stop it right now!" I cried out, beyond myself. It wasn't the first time I had seen Nick and Heath come to blows, but this was certainly the first time Heath wasn't defending himself. Normally, he would have given a blow for a blow, but now… now he was just taking everything Nick was giving him.

Nick's eyes were wild, wild and cold at the same time, the eyes of a murderer. I was scared to death.

With one final blow, Nick sent Heath flying across the barn. As he landed at my feet, I crouched beside him. His whole face was covered in bruises, his shirt ragged and matted with the blood that was spilling from his nose. For just one moment our eyes met and I gasped. The hurt I saw there was well beyond the physical pain.

"Oh, Heath", I cried out in tears. I retrieved my handkerchief and began to stem his nose. But, he didn't want my help. He dismissed me quickly, sniffing his blood back and wiping what was left away with the back of one hand.

He managed to stand up with his own strength and, without saying a word, he walked stiffly, slowly out of the barn and toward the house.

I turned my eyes on Nick. I was angry, no I was furious. He'd hear me, this time. "What's wrong with you, Nick?", I spat out. I couldn't finish my sentence. Nick was watching his gloved hand, the hand he had used to hit our brother, open in front of his eyes. He was watching it like it was something that didn't belong to him. His eyes were no longer wild and cold. All I could see there now was confusion, shock, and pain.

He looked at me and just shook his head, his eyes glossy with tears. It was clear that this brother was more in need of help than the other.

 _Victoria_

Although everyone else thought Nick was like his father, I had always thought that, of all my children, my Nicholas was the one who was the more like me. Like me, he was iron-willed. Just like me, he never lowered his expectations and kept on trying until he succeeded. When he was no much more than a boy, he had taken the ranch in his hands and make it thrive. I was so very proud of him.

But now, something was happening to him. He was changing under my very eyes, minute by minute. The loud, confident, hearty man I knew was becoming a silent, angry stranger. He was avoiding us as much as he could.

Heath knew something, I was sure of it but he wouldn't talk. Not to me, not to anyone. Just like his older brother, he just avoided us. I knew Heath's devotion to Nick was the reason for his behavior. Heath loved us and he especially loved me. This forced silence was slowly destroying him.

I was very worried, for both my sons.

The day Nick left I knew, just knew my son's life was in danger. The way that day he kissed me alone, told me there was something dreadfully wrong, something deadly.

Since he was gone, I took to the habit of going to his room, just being there, looking at his things and touching his mementos. One, in particular, brought sweet memories to my mind, his first saddle.

"NICK

AGE 6

PRIVATE - KEEP OFF"

his childish hand had written on it. At six, he already knew who he was and what he wanted. But now, I didn't know who he was anymore. I wanted my child back. I wanted him to be the Nick I had always known and loved more than myself.

With both hands on the little saddle, I stopped fighting the tears and blinked to let them go down across my face, toward my chin. I wasn't crying for the stranger that had gone away, but for the son I had lost.

"Come back Nick. Oh, come home, Nick", I said to the empty room.

 _Jarrod_

Who was this stranger? I didn't recognize my own brother, the brother I had grown up with. We had always been so close that I thought I could read his mind. But, not this time. He was hiding something and I couldn't make out what.

And, one day it was too late. I tried to stop him when he decided to leave us but, as usual, he did what he had decided to do.

Heath knew something. Things had started to change after their trip and I just knew they were hiding something from the rest of us. In the two months that passed after Nick left, I tried every day to make him talk, but with no results. I hadn't considered Heath's loyalty. I had examined reluctant witnesses and made them talk. I was more than confident in my persuasion skills, but nothing seemed to work with Heath, he was unmovable.

I could see it in his eyes he was hurting just the way I was, but Nick had put him between a rock and a hard place.

 _Heath_

Another day, another cross to be marked on my notebook. Another day without knowing, twenty-four more hours of hurt and unanswered questions.

Where are you, Nick? Are you alright? Are you still alive? I refuse to think otherwise. I'm torn between my fear for your life and the pain my silence is causing to this family. I need to share my pain and worry with the people I love, with the people who love you, but I can't. I'll never break my promise to you but, for that promise, I'm dying a little day by day.

Come back home, brother, this family needs you. I need you.


	4. Chapter 4

_Nick_

It was a strange morning, the day I left. The air of the early summer was warm, but the sky was white, a cover of clouds spreading the slightest hint of a rain a light silvery gray mist lingering midair.

My own footsteps echoing in the hallway and down the stairs in the nearly empty house was the saddest sound I'd ever heard. I was really going away and I didn't know if I'd ever come back.

She was standing in the open doorway, a human, motherly barrier between me and the world outside. Victoria Barkley, my beloved mother. My excuse for leaving was a yearling sale to be held in Vallejo the next week. She hadn't believed me, not for a minute. Nobody in the family had believed me.

With a voice so insecure I barely recognized it was hers, she absently spoke to me about some arrangements she had done with Silas for the food to be brought on my trip, looking me in the eyes the whole time.

She put her hands on my shoulders and smiled weakly. "Have a good trip, Nick", she just said. We both knew the true meaning of those words. With my hands on both her arms, I pulled her close and bent to put a kiss on her forehead. We stayed that way for a while, with my lips on her forehead.

Then she stepped aside and I walked out under the thin needle-like drops falling lightly on me.

It was hard to leave, oh yes it was. I had spent my whole life here. This house, this ranch, this valley was my home.

I walked straight toward the barn. Jarrod was there, standing in my way. I didn't want this confrontation. "I won't let you go without knowing what's happening, Nick", he said. He was ready to fight, but I wasn't. I just wanted to be on my way as soon as possible.

"What are you talking about, Pappy, I'm going to the year..."

"I'm not buying that, Nick. We all know the sale won't be until next week".

I just tried to step around him but he hooked my arm and stopped me. "Silence doesn't spare the people you love Nick, sometimes it hurts them worse", he said.

His tone was softer when he spoke again. "Nick, please, help me help you", he said. I could see it in his eyes how badly he was hurting. I was doing that to him. I just shook my head.

"Do you remember", he said, "when you were sixteen years old and got trapped in that mine shaft? I was in San Francisco studying law. I woke up in the middle of the night and I started riding and I didn't stop riding until I got home. Nobody had to tell me that my brother was in trouble, I just knew it, the way I know it now".

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "This time, I need to make it on my own, Jarrod. Now, please, let me go", I managed to say. He had no other choice. As soon as he released my arm, I hugged him, not knowing if that'd be the last time.

Heath was walking out of the barn when we parted. He had saddled Coco and fixed the saddlebags with the food Silas had packed. He was holding the bridles reluctantly passing them over to me.

We didn't talk, we didn't need to. I just nodded and he nodded back shooting me that strange smile of his, that shy, crooked smile. It was like he was smiling at me directly into my chest, like a little bird flapping his wings, lightly caressing my heart.

I mounted and rode away. I never turned but I knew they'd be there, silently standing side by side together but divided by a secret as long as I was visible throughout the horizon.

 _Heath_

That day began like all the others since Nick's departure, some two months ago, with Jarrod questioning me about Nick's whereabouts. I knew pretty much exactly where he'd gone, and Jarrod could read it in my eyes.

 _"The last few weeks of my life should count for something. I mean, besides cattle and horses and making money, should count for something special. I don't know what it is, I know I gotta go looking for it. Maybe it's something I passed somewhere along the way without noticing"._

 _"And if you don't find it?"_

 _"At least I've looked"_

 _"So you gotta go look, but where?"_

 _"Anywhere… Willow Springs, maybe"._

 _"Willow Springs?"_

 _"Yeah. Kinda like to see whether Jeannie's hair is still as yellow as ever"_

"There's nothing I can tell you, Jarrod. Nothing", I replied avoiding his eyes. Once again I was leaving him there alone, dealing with his loss. What I really wanted to do was to talk to him, talk to mother, share with them my worries, let them lift part of my weight, take part of my pain. To keep silent was more painful than one of Nick's blows. But I could take a blow I could take anything. Nick had asked me to bear this all and I would have to, for him.

At least, I had marked another cross and the sixtieth day was almost there. Just a few more days and I'd go looking for my brother, or… of what was left of him.

"Yes, that's how I met him, falling out of a tree".

Jeannie's laugh was like the silvery murmuring of a mountain stream. We were at the dinner table and she was talking about her encounter with Nick that night.

"... and he told me he was running this big cattle ranch in Stockton with his father, and that his older brother was studying to become a lawyer".

I heard Jarrod explain he was no longer just a law student, but a well-affirmed lawyer with offices both in Stockton and San Francisco.

As Jeannie went on talking, a teenaged Nick courting a teenaged Jeannie, holding her hand for hours on a swing, came to life into my mind. Had they ever kissed or just held each other's hand? I smiled at the most probable answer.

She had shown up that same morning and we didn't know anything about her, except that she had known Nick so many years ago. When I raised my eyes from the plate where I was playing with my food, she diverted hers and blushed.

"May I ask you why you came to Stockton, Miss Price?", Mother actually asked.

"I lost my parents and the only person I knew outside Willow Springs was Nick. I heard that the town was growing and that they needed another dressmaker".

"Would you care to tell us what happened, Jean?" Jarrod asked

She dropped her eyes. "A typhoid epidemic decimated the entire town. There's nothing for me there anymore, I'm alone in the world". My heart went out to her. I knew it all too well how it felt like being alone in the world.

I could tell by mother's expression how she was moved. "Oh dear", she said. "Is there anything we can do to help you?"

"Thank you, Mrs. Barkley. I have some money my parents saved and I want to open my own activity. I know yours is an important family in town and… Well, I need any help I can get".

As she raised her eyes to look at me she blushed again. It was happening every time our eyes met. But, this time, she didn't take her eyes off me. They were so bright. Oh, was she beautiful. No wonder Nick had fallen for her. I pretended not to feel what I was feeling. This young lady was my brother's lost love, the very one he had left to go looking for.

I suddenly realized that we were still silently staring at each other, with the rest of the family's eyes fixed on us.

That was my turn to blush. Jarrod cleared his throat and broke the spell.

"A cigar, Brother Heath?" he offered.

The little smile on his face was a perfect match for the mischievous light in his eyes. I hadn't seen that light in a long time. To my great relief and for the first time since Nick had gone, my brother Jarrod was sincerely amused.


	5. Chapter 5

_Nick_

She wasn't Jeannie Price.

Her hair was blond, but not the color of the moon. It was golden like a wheat field when the ears are mature and the grains are big, ready to be harvested. She had been a girl, but she was now a grown woman with a son. She wasn't a beauty not the kind of woman who would make a man turn his head in the street. Yet, she was beautiful in her own way.

I didn't fall in love with her at first sight but I learned to love her day by day for who she was. She could laugh but, more often she cried. She wouldn't talk much about herself but she could listen. She wouldn't hold my hand on a swing, but one night she kissed me.

No, she wasn't Jeannie Price. She was Julia. Julia Jenkins.

 _Julia_

One day he came by my door, looking a long time for a long lost girlfriend. He was a lonely tall, strong cowboy with sad eyes. One look and I knew how good of a man he was.

The woman he was looking for wasn't here and he went away, but that same night he came back. He was drunk had been beaten and was barely able to walk. I gave him a bed and a shelter for the night.

That night, he talked in his sleep. I listened and learned about the wolf. I learned about the sixty days. That was what he had left before he'd die from the mortal disease the wolf had injected inside his body.

I asked him to stay. He was afraid he would hurt me or Tommy, but he didn't. During his time with us, he never not even once lay a hand on either one of us.

My Tommy adored him. He had never had a father, my poor child, and Nick was a great father to him. They spent time together, doing what a father and a son would do together.

I found myself smiling for no apparent reason, more often that I had done my whole past life, my life before Nick. I even started to feel happy at times. Dying or not, this man was a blessing, our little family's' blessing.

I just couldn't help falling in love with the lonely, tall, strong cowboy with sad eyes whose name was Nick Barkley. My feelings for him grew stronger day by day. I'm not a dreamer, not after the life I lived. But maybe, just maybe, he was beginning to reciprocate my feelings.

I knew I didn't deserve him, not with my past. But he stayed and I just gratefully took anything he'd give me.

 _Nick_

An excruciating pain was irradiating from my neck throughout almost my entire body when I began to resurface from the darkness of a deep, heavy sleep. I found the strength to turn my head and the first thing I saw was the face of a little boy. A nice face, that was, with an abundant sprinkling of freckles on the little nose and round his cheeks; intelligent eyes, wide in curiosity, and very red hair. He was playing with one of my spurs, sitting at the kitchen table making the rowel roll with his little finger. He seemed to be quite engaged by his game but, as soon as he realized I was awakening and was by my bed in no time.

"Hey, Mister, don't move!", he said with a little, commanding voice.

"Where am I, what happened?", I asked. My voice seemed to be coming from another world, guess it was still behind, in the darkness that had been enfolding me until then. I tried to rise, just to heavily fall on my elbows, renewed jolts of pain running up and down. I moaned in pain.

A tall, slender, blonde woman, her hair arranged in a bun, appeared behind the boy and shoved him aside, fixing my quilt. "Good Morning, Nick, how are you today?" she asked nonchalantly.

My eyes were burning and it was hurtful to keep them open, but I painfully turned them toward her. "Who are you, how do you know my name?", I asked.

"You did a lot of talking last night. You were delirious", she replied, and smiled a sad smile that didn't reach her eyes.

All of sudden, I recalled everything; when I had first arrived, looking for Jeannie Price, and I had found Julia Jenkins and her son Tommy, instead. The delusion I had felt.

Where was Jeannie? According to Julia, I would most probably find her tombstone in the local cemetery. But, I hadn't had the heart to go there. I had gone to the saloon, instead, and gotten drunk.

Julia offered me a bed and a roof over my head. She offered me a shelter for the time I had left. She needed a man – a decent man – beside her and her child, it didn't matter if it was just for a while.

Jeannie was dead, but Julia was alive, and she was there for me. She was there when I needed help and help me she did, willingly, lovingly. She was there for the sad commitment to guide my insecure steps along those sixty days, the path toward my grave.

I didn't fall in love with her the way I did with Jeannie or any other woman I had met before. She wasn't even remotely the kind of woman I had fallen for in the past. But she was capable, intelligent, a wonderful mother. One day, I just realized I loved her. I respected the woman she was despite the woman she had been. She had had a hard life and had done the best she could.

Where was the Barkley luck now? Now that I knew what real love was, I had to die. Together we decided to just live in the moment, we wanted to take what we could while we were both there. We spent hours talking. We talked about our past lives. One night, she told me about Tommy's father.

"I've lived hard, guess you can tell that. I made a lot of mistakes in my life. Tommy's father was one of them. I met him in a saloon in Tucson. He was a pretty talker".

Had Father been "a pretty talker" to Heath's mother? Tommy was a precious boy, smart and full of joy, the way I had no doubt my brother Heath had been. This very thought hit me like a kick in my gut.

That night, I cried in Julia's arms. She knew my fears, my regrets, my real self and I wasn't ashamed to show my weakness to her. I cried over my many losses. The loss of the father that had been the idol of my youth, the loss of a brother I'd never get to know. The loss of the childhood we hadn't shared. I cried over the loss of the family I had left behind. I cried over the loss of my own life.

"I've never lived to enjoy my life to the fullest.", I confided. "When I walk down the street, people say 'Here comes Nick Barkley, he's dug thousand post holes and planted a thousand grapevines and broke a thousand colts. Never took time for anything else'."

"You were building something", Julia consoled.

I had been there for almost two months, my end waiting for me just around the corner when I finally realized that I really had the chance to change things for somebody. I would change things for somebody I loved. Yes, because nothing, nothing of what had happened to Heath would happen to Tommy. I had the power to spare him, the boy I couldn't love more if he was my real son, what my brother Heath had endured. I would do for him what Father couldn't or wouldn't do for my brother, be a father, a real father for him.

I loved Julia. I truly, deeply did love her. She might have been a saloon girl but I didn't care. I wasn't ashamed, I was proud. The day I proposed and she said yes, I felt so incredibly honored that this beautiful, caring woman, my kindred soul, accepted to be my wife.

Sadly, she would soon be my widow. I had to think about their future, about my new little family's future. I decided to wire Heath, the only one in the family who knew what was happening to me, asking him to join me here, in order to discuss all the details.


	6. Chapter 6

**A Vow of Silence – Chapter 6**

 _Jarrod_

"You tell him, whatever trouble he's in, his family has the right to share it with him. That it's our duty to help him if we can and it's his duty to let us, that he doesn't have the privilege to change that, do you understand? You tell him to come on home. Tell him Pappy says so".

As a response, Heath slightly nodded and shot me that peculiar smile of his. He could say so much with just a smile. That was a smile that said "I know how you feel. I can't, just can't tell you what's going on, but I'm with you". It made me feel better and although I was angry, I couldn't help a little smile of my own.

Then he left again, leaving me alone with my thoughts. The sight of his back leaving a room was becoming usual in our house. I sighed. I was worried to death for Nick but I knew it wasn't all Heath's fault. His wasn't just stubbornness, there was more to it than that. Something our brother had asked him to do or not to do. They were sharing a secret Heath had been demanded to not reveal to anybody, not even to us.

Knowing what Nick meant to him, I had no doubt Heath would maintain his promise at any cost. There was nothing I could do about it. I knew it was useless to keep asking him the same questions again and again, I wouldn't obtain anything different from what I had just received, a little smile and his back. But I wouldn't give up. I couldn't give up my brother.

I had always considered myself the smart lawyer who could face any challenge and win, the one who would guide this family to success. Jarrod Barkley, the head of the Barkley family. I wasn't that confident anymore. When, one morning, I found my pillow wet with the tears I had shed during my sleep, I was forced to see things in a new perspective. I was powerless.

But I wasn't the only one affected. Audra pretended to be angry with Nick, but she was terrified of the possibility of not seeing her favorite brother again. Mother seemed to be just a pale imitation of the woman she used to be. She kept herself busy visiting neighbors or going to the orphanage with Audra. But I could hear her crying herself to sleep at night.

 _Victoria_

Heath. He was young man who had once come here bringing nothing but himself, giving us without even realizing it, just what we needed to feel, a whole family again. Heath, the one who had willingly opened his heart to me. Heath, who I had chosen to love. Heath, who I was learning to know. Heath, my son, was now an enigma to me all over again.

One thing I was sure of, out of all of us he was the one who was bearing the heaviest load. In almost two months I helplessly watched him turn into someone else. His witty sense of humor was gone, he avoided our company. He was no longer the private man he used to be, he had become a closed man, not willing to share his thoughts with his family, this family. If Nick was the subject we were discussing, he'd just leave the room. But it was more than that, he wasn't just worrying about his brother like the rest of us. He had a terrible secret he had sworn he would keep and that secret was consuming him from the inside.

Now that this girl had come, that Jeannie, something was changing. For the better? Not necessarily, I didn't think so. I could see him struggle even more. But he wouldn't let me help, he wouldn't let anybody help.

He was alone with his vow of silence.

 _Heath_

It was too much, too hurtful just to hear the mention of Nick's name. When it happened, I just left. I couldn't bear to hear them talk about him, sometimes with worry, other times with anger, knowing they didn't know what was really happening to the brother and son they so dearly loved, all because I wouldn't tell them. I couldn't tell them. I'd never intentionally hurt them because I loved them so but with my silence I was just adding yet more pain to their pain.

Oh, it was so incredibly hurtful to be the only one who knew. Nick was all alone waiting for his death and had left us all behind. All of us, included me. With the slight difference that I did know what could happen, what – as far as I knew - might very well have happened already.

I was alone with the unthinkable thought of my brother's death.

It was with me every minute, eating at me. I couldn't sleep, often lost in some dreadful nightmare I'd forget in the morning, nonetheless leaving me with the feeling that I had lost a piece of my soul.

I was just here waiting, doing nothing… not even being with him when the last moment would come. That had been his willing not less than my condemnation.

I need time, time to be alone and think. Think about the brother I was missing so much. Nick was a smart man. Sometimes, he loved to play the part of the man he believed the rest of us thought he was. But I knew better. Much like Mother, he always knew what he was doing. He never left things to chance. He didn't take any chances, ever. He had a logical mind and was used to planning everything to the last detail. That was the secret of his success. He didn't like to let us see how much of a thinker he was, but he sure was. He enjoyed putting himself in the middle of some joke, pretending to be naive. He liked to make us laugh, that's what he really liked. He wanted to see us happy, and to know we were safe.

He could be short-tempered and impulsive sometimes. That, I could tell first-hand. He could start a bar brawl for the wrong word. Since I had joined the family, it had often happened on my account. I never had the chance to tell him how grateful I was for that, how proud I was he wanted to defend me and my honor. But I was, and it touched me deeply.

That was Nick Barkley, you couldn't avoid loving him just the way he was. It was take it or leave it, and I had chosen to take.

He was a passionate man. He could fall in love with someone or something and leave everything to catch the subject of his passion. Like he had done this time.

Bu this time it was yet different. Jeannie was just an idea, his idea of youth, his idea of love, the tale he was telling himself to ride away from this family. Trouble was, Jeannie was here now, and I was here, too. I couldn't deny the attraction I was feeling for her, and could clearly sense the attraction she was feeling for me.

I hadn't any secret to be kept from her. She just knew Nick had left for a sale and would soon be back. In her presence I was able to relax. I enjoyed her tales. With her I didn't feel the need to leave. Instead I loved to listen to her talking about Nick, the Nick she once had known and I hadn't.

To be honest, I just loved to listen to her talking altogether. To hear her voice… to see her face. That's what I loved.


	7. Chapter 7

_Audra_

I pretended to be mad at Nick, because he had left without even saying goodbye. I swore I wouldn't talk to him once he'd come back. But, that was just a mask I was wearing, an armor against the loneliness his absence had brought into my life. Before I fell asleep, in my bed, I embraced my pillow and thought about the day I'd see him come home. I'd be on the porch and I'd see him off in the distance, riding his beloved Coco. As soon as he dismounted, I'd run toward him and fall into his arms, holding him tight to my heart, and he'd say something to make me laugh. Oh, Nick…

I heard Mother and Jarrod talking. They were saying that the yearling sale in Vallejo had ended the day before. Then why wasn't Nick home yet? Why was everybody pretending everything was alright? The silence Nick's absence had brought to our house was deafening. I missed him. I missed even the things I used to deplore, like when he bolted inside the house so noisily, his spurs jingling with every step he made, his boisterous voice calling us. I so missed those lighthearted moments, with Mother rolling her eyes in exasperation. We all loved him so much for what he was.

The meals were so quiet without him. Everything was so quiet… too quiet. There was his favorite meal the other day, Chicken Creole. I could almost see him sitting there next to Heath putting an exaggerated portion on his plate. I chuckled at the thought and everyone looked at me. When I realized I was just seeing a ghost, I felt the sting of the tears in my eyes. Oh, I missed him so much. Didn't he know what he meant to me? Didn't he realize how worried I was? He was my big brother, he was supposed to protect me. Who had given him the right to disappear without a word? I felt outraged by his absence. If he was in trouble, we would help him, whatever his problem was. If not me, Jarrod certainly would, or Mother or maybe Heath.

During his last days at the ranch, Nick had been someone else, not the brother I knew and loved. Now that he had gone, I could feel Mother's fear and that terrorized me. If Nick was my rock, Mother was my safe harbor in stormy waters. I anchored myself to her and together we could face any adversity. Now, she was the one right in the middle of a storm, and I was feeling lost.

Jeannie was staying at the house. Mother wouldn't let her stay at the hotel. I loved to listen to her talking about my brother Nick. It was like keeping a connection to him, somehow.

But, Jeannie's presence didn't seem to be sorting the same kind of beneficial effects on my other brother, Heath. I could sense something was growing between the two of them. I could see how my brother was falling in love with her.

Now that I had known Jean for a few days and I had learned to appreciate the person she was, I could see why this was happening. She had lost her parents and was all alone, yet was able to make plans for her life and I had no doubt she would succeed. She was strong-willed and modest at the same time. She was well-mannered and humble. And she was very, very beautiful. She was perfect for Heath. What would he do? I knew he'd never betray our brother. He was the most loyal man I knew, he would fly into the fire for any of us, especially for Nick. How could he live feeling guilty for a feeling he couldn't avoid?

 _Heath_

That night, Mother and Audra had gone to their rooms and Jarrod had left saying he had some work to do. I stayed and so did Jean. It seemed we both weren't tired enough to go to bed just yet. We were on the settee, side by side, in front of the fireplace. She was telling, once again, of the time she had spent with Nick. I laughed out loud at the description of the antics of a young Nick I had never known. Jeannie was telling my brother so well it was like I could see him, asking young Jeannie for a dance, cheering her up with his gentlemanly awkwardness, telling funny stories just to make her laugh. They had known each other just a couple of weeks, but she seemed to have caught the essence of my brother, the hard shell and the tender, big heart. She confessed she had spent many days after he left thinking about him.

"Nick will be delighted to see you again, Jeannie", I stated.

"Do you really think so, Heath? She asked shyly.

"I'm sure about that", I said. I wasn't looking at her, my eyes were focused on the remaining ashes of what had been a roaring fire.

"I don't know, Heath… I've changed".

"You haven't changed, just grown up".

She chuckled at my remark, so I kept talking. "Look, Jean, if I know my brother and I do, you'll be Mrs. Nick Barkley before you know it".

This time she laughed, sincerely amused. I loved that sound. I stared at the fireplace. "If he comes back", I added sadly, involuntarily stressing that awful little word, "if". I don't know why I told her that, it just slipped out. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jeannie's eyes widen at the brutality of my statement and I immediately regretted my words.

"Why did you say 'if'? I thought he was at a yearling sale…", she said worriedly.

"I can't tell you, Jean. I want so much to tell you, but I have a promise to keep".

"For Nick?"

"Yes, for Nick".

I kept staring at the fire and got lost in reverie, grim thoughts crowding my mind, filling my heart with the dark feeling that was becoming so unwantedly familiar. I missed Nick in a way I wouldn't believe possible.

When I raised my eyes to her, Jeannie was watching me intently. "Nick told me about a younger brother, but you're older than I thought," she said.

"That's Gene. The younger brother Nick was talking about. He's younger, indeed. I've been here just a few months". I caught the mute question in her expression. "I'm Tom Barkley's bastard son", I stated and held her eyes to catch her reaction. Her gaze never wavered.

"It's strange," she said. "If you didn't tell me and I should have had to guess who, between you and Jarrod, was Nick's brother, my bet would have been on you". I didn't know how to react to that, so I said nothing. "It's not about your looks. You are different as night and day. And it's not about your attitudes. You're reserved, shy, and he's so confident and extroverted. It's something you both have deep inside, something that runs through your veins with the blood you share. It's hard to see, but it's there if you care to look. And I see it, Heath, I see it because I care to".

I was speechless. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I knew she was right. Deep inside, I had felt that similarity from the beginning. I didn't want to lose that connection. I didn't want to lose Nick. I had counted down fifty-eight days so far, keeping all my worries for myself. Now, before my eyes, there was someone who seemed to know what had made me act that way, someone who had cared enough to be getting to know so well in a so short a time, the brother I missed and loved so much.

When the tears finally fell down my unshaved cheeks a sob escaped my lips. Jeannie reached out and held me in her arms for a little while. It was so consoling, so incredibly relieving. Then, her lips were on mine, and I felt lost and safe at the same time.

Her lips were so sweet, I wanted it to last forever. But, it was a very quick kiss, instead.

I was betraying my brother! I practically sprung from the settee as soon as this thought reached my mind.

I quickly crossed the room. "It's late, and we are both tired. Good night, Jeannie", I said speaking behind my shoulder, headed toward the foyer, wishing to be upstairs and in my room as soon as possible.

"Good night, Heath", she said, staying where she was, her eyes low. I was the cause of the sadness I was hearing in her sweet voice. I was sorry, but I couldn't do differently. I had done more than enough already.

Now, I had to go. To go looking for Nick. If he was still alive, I'd tell him to come on home.

Pappy said so. And I said so, too.


	8. Chapter 8

_Heath_

The last time I had spent the night outside it had been in Nick's company. Now, I was all alone.

Just like the other time, I was lying on the ground, with my shoulders on my bedroll, watching the stars above twinkle. "Twinkle, twinkle little star", I whispered, remembering the lullaby my mama used to sing to me. Back then, she was all my world and I'd fall asleep in her warm arms feeling safe. But now I was a man and sleep wasn't coming.

That had been a starry night, too, The Night of the Wolf, and I couldn't prevent the uninvited images from appearing in front of my eyes, the sounds from whispering into my ears.

 _"Nights like this always remind me of a girl I once met, in a place called Willow Springs. Her name was Jean, Jeannie Price. She had hair the color of that moon"._

I missed Nick so bad that the lump the memory of that night had brought in my throat was choking me. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, just to see his face under my lids. He was smiling, that one dimple on his right cheek, a light in his eyes while he was telling me about her. Jeannie, a girl I now knew… and, in spite of myself, helplessly loved.

Like pesky insects, my thoughts were buzzing, stinging, flying in circles in my mind. I closed my eyes tighter, trying to shut them out, but there was nothing I could do. My brother, who could possibly be dead had trusted me. He had asked me to keep his secret, and all I had given him had been betrayal. Yes, I had betrayed him. I had betrayed him with a kiss, like Judas.

Jeannie… I couldn't prevent my heart from jumping when her sweet features appeared, her bright eyes and those sweet lips that had brushed my own in that quick kiss, forever lasting in my mind. My heart was twisted in a knot of love, pain, and fear. For Nick, and for the girl we both had fallen in love with.

I felt the tears burn from the inside, I was condemned to struggle between the love of a brother and the love of a woman.

Wouldn't it had been a whole lot simpler if the wolf had bitten me instead of him? Yes it sure would have. So much easier. So less hurtful to everyone. Nick… Jeannie… Mother… Consumed by my own thoughts, I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next day, I felt renewed. I felt like a new man. It was so much easier with the daylight. After a most needed cup of coffee and having cleaned up the area where I had set camp, I mounted and immediately sprung Charger into a gallop. I Just needed to reach Willow Springs as soon as I could. I just had to know if my brother was still alive. I don't know why I still thought I would find him there, but I did and I had to start somewhere.

The town was all too different from the little, quiet and peaceful farming town with trees all around I had pictured in my mind when Nick had told me about it. I already knew that, as Jeannie had told us that, but I still was expecting to see the town my brother had described that night. Willow Spring was now like Strawberry had been before the Barkley Sierra Mining Co. had been closed, before it had become the dirty, dusty dying town I had left for good. I smelled danger, and even Charger was nervous.

I rode along the main street and noticed some of the stores were for sale and some of them had closed, one of them had surely belonged to Jeannie's parents. Jeannie. I couldn't think about her now I had to think about finding Nick. I had to find him alive and healed. I had to bring him back home where he belonged, where we both belonged. Nothing else mattered.

I arrived at the edge of town, where Jeannie's parents' property had been, and recognized the swing both Nick and Jean had described. With my mind full of memories that didn't belong to me, but to two people I loved dearly, I sat on the swing and touched the wood they had once touched, swinging a little back and forth like they had surely done so many years ago.

The front door opened just a slice and I saw the cute face of a young redheaded boy. He looked at me in curiosity and I smiled.

"Hi!", I said.

"Hi", he replied.

"Are your parents home?", I asked.

He hesitated just a little, then solemnly nodded. "Well, I'd like to speak with them", I said.

"Mister, that's my swing!" the boy said with disappointment.

"Oh. Do you mind if I use it for a minute?" I asked, amused.

I hadn't completed the sentence yet when the door had been closed behind the boy's back. I started to rise from the swing. I might as well start asking about my brother to whoever lived there with the redheaded boy. Before I could reach the threshold, the door opened again and a man appeared.

Nick.

He was unshaved, dark circles stood out on the pallor of his skin under his sad eyes and he had lost weight, but that man was unequivocally, definitively my brother Nick.

We were both surprised and our eyes widened as we simultaneously called each other's names. I walked toward him and we fell into each other's arms. I can't describe the joy, Nick was alive! My so much missed brother was there, our arms around each other's body, pulling hard to be as close as we could. I felt his heart beat fast against mine. I'd swear he had missed me as much as I had.

Once we parted, I saw a strange look in his eyes, part regret, part guilt, I couldn't tell. I was the one supposed to feel guilty. He tried to collect himself and, sniffing back his tears, he gently shoved the boy toward me and announced: "Heath, this is my son, Tommy. Tommy, say hi to your uncle Heath".

I was so surprised I was speechless, did Nick really have a son? The boy tugged at Nick's sleeve "Will you teach me to ride today, Pa? You promised!"

"Of course, I will, Tommy. We Barkleys never take our word back", my brother said looking me in the eyes. I nodded, to let him know I had kept our secret and he smiled at me. I stepped back to let the boy go out.

"I have so much to tell you, Heath", Nick said, his voice hoarse.

"Oh, I've got some news as well, Big Brother", I replied.


	9. Chapter 9

_Nick_

It never changed. It didn't matter how many times I replayed the scene in my mind the final part was always the same, there was no escape. In my head I replayed the facts in slow motion, examining each single frame again and again, but the unavoidable outcome was still there, always there, haunting me. I deserved the pain it caused to me. I regret my actions so badly.

Now that I was there, telling Heath what had happened, the facts of that dreadful night displayed once again before my eyes.

 _I went to town to take Julia home from work that night._

 _The smell of clean laundry hit me as soon as I entered the small shop. On the counter a book of Tennyson captured my attention, who would read Tennyson in a laundry shop?_

 _"Good evening" the shop owner, an old Chinese man dressed in a traditional clothing kindly welcomed me._

 _"Good evening, I'm Nick Barkley", I introduced myself._

 _"Ah, Julia has told me about you. I'm Po Hsien", he said with a bow._

 _"Yeah, she mentioned you too. Told you used to be a Taoist priest"._

 _"That was a long time ago. Now I'm a laundry man"._

 _"A laundry man that reads Tennyson"._

 _"Life changes"._

 _"For all of us, I'm afraid"._

 _Julia tells me you have changed it most pleasantly for her and Tommy", the old man said. He didn't know that ours was a limited time marriage that would end with my death._

 _"They've done the same for me", I admitted._

 _"Then, all three have found rare gift", he declaimed._

 _"Tennyson?" I guessed._

 _"Lao Tzu", the old man replied, making me chuckle._

 _"Nick!" Julia exclaimed, coming from the back room. She was totally surprised to see me._

 _"I came to take you home", I said. The smile that enlightened Julia's face was priceless. She wasn't used to kindness. It melted my heart. I loved her more every day and I'd have given anything to bring that kind of smile on her face every day for many years, but that just wasn't meant to be._

 _We were walking side by side, my sweet Julia and me, arm in arm. Mister and Mrs Barkley. She was so proud to be my wife, she just didn't realize how much she deserved, how honored I felt I was the one she had chosen. She surely didn't deserve what the fate had in store for her. She didn't deserve what happened. I was the only one who was meant to die._

 _A voice from behind our backs froze us: "Alright, hold it right there, both of you"._

 _"What do you want?", I asked without turning, my hand already on my holster._

 _"That wad of bills that's in your pocket. Now you just drop them back over your shoulder real easy like and nobody will get hurt." But, I was fast, very fast and whoever was behind us, I wouldn't surrender easily._

 _I shoved Julia aside, turned on my heels and shot. They were two, and their faces weren't new I had already met them at the saloon when I had first come to Willow Springs. I shot them both dead, but they had had the time to fire back._

 _When I realized one of their bullets had found Julia, it was already too late. I immediately knew it was serious, very serious. Oh, God help me, too serious._

Why, oh why had I been so reckless. So stupid. I'd have done anything, given anything to turn back time and do it all differently. It had been all my fault, all my fault. I was the one who had actually pulled the trigger.

Hurt, regret, despair. They were always with me somewhere deep inside, ready to come to the surface at any time without warning.

Now, I had Tommy to look after. He had already lost the mother he loved so dearly, the only adult who had ever looked after him, and now he was going to lose the only father he had ever known. I had to think over all the details about his future.

But, now that Heath was here I felt relieved. He would take Tommy back home at the ranch and take care of him. My family would know what to do. Mother always knew what to do. They all would love Tommy like one of their own, like once we had done with Heath. Tommy would be raised in the warm fold of our family, the family I loved and missed so much, he would become a respectful man, a real Barkley.

Now, that Heath was here, we would have to discuss my burial, too. I wanted to be with Julia, of course, and couldn't think of a better place than the same spot where Father's grave was, in that clearing in the wood, on Barkley land.

Now, that Heath was here.

 _Heath_

We were sitting on the porch steps, side by side, watching Tommy play with the swing I had been using when I had first seen him. Before I could formulate any question, without taking away his eyes from the boy, Nick stated seriously: "I married his mother, Julia. Julia Jenkins. She's dead. I'm her widower, now".

The pain in each word he spoke was so thick I could almost touch it. It broke my heart. The depth of his grief was tangible. A whirlwind of questions came to my mind. Within two months Nick had married and his wife was dead. Who was this woman who had captured my brother's heart so quickly and so completely?

But, I said nothing. I just did what a brother would do. I put my arm around his shoulders to let him know, let him feel, how sorry I was for him, for his loss and for the pain he was carrying in his heart. That I was there for him and would always be. Always.

"She died in my arms, Heath, and it was my fault. God, it was all my fault!", he said and his voice broke. I pulled his body closer to mine, trying to comfort him with my physical presence. He sighed and sniffed, but I felt him relax against me.

He looked up at me and rewarded me with a small, sad smile. A small, sad smile that meant the world to me. Nick, my strong, larger than life brother was still there inside that broken man and I had no doubt he would come back.


	10. Chapter 10

_Heath_

What I had done for Nick, going against the family, had been hard. There had been moments in which I couldn't help feeling they would have rather, what had happened to him, would rather have happened to me instead. That was a dark thought that I quickly sent away. Anything I had done, anything I had gone through was nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the happiness of seeing him alive and in good health like he actually was, aside from the immense pain of losing his wife.

Nick's smile at my display of affection was short lived. I watched it rapidly disappear as he turned his eyes back to Tommy. The boy was playing on the swing, but I knew Nick was not really seeing him. He was thinking about Julia.

For a long moment, I helplessly watched Nick struggle to keep himself together, as he sighed and spoke his next words.

Words that shocked me.

"I've been thinking about this for a while, Heath. I want both our bodies to be buried on Barkley land", he said, his voice just above a whisper, his eyes still fixed on the boy. "Now that you're here, we can discuss the details…"

As he had just realized something he couldn't explain, Nick suddenly stopped talking and stared at me in sincere curiosity "Now that I think about it, what are you doing here Heath?" he asked, frowning at his own question.

Those had been the two longest months in my whole life. I had marked every single day in my notebook, worried to death over my brother's sad destiny. I had kept our secret hidden from the rest of the family, fighting against each one of them and my own fears every single day, and Nick was still thinking he would die for the bite of the rabid wolf. He wanted to discuss his burial with me!

"What am I doing? Haven't you been counting? Boy Howdy, it's been sixty-five days, Nick!"

"You're sure?"

"I've sweated every one of them!" He was staring at me still trying to understand the exact meaning of my words when I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed fondly. "Nick, you won't be buried anywhere, you'll be alright, and it's time to go home. Everyone is waiting for you." I said softly.

I hadn't had the chance, so far, to tell him about Jeannie, I would do that on our way home. Nick didn't need to hear about that right now. He had just suffered a tragic loss and was painfully mourning. There wasn't room for anything else, at the moment, in his heart.

 _Audra_

It wasn't like in my dream. Nick wasn't riding Coco, he was on a buggy with Heath and between them there was the cutest smiling face of a little boy I had ever seen. But, like in my dream, I flew to him and as soon as he jumped down the buggy, I fell into his arms. We held each other tight for a long time. My big brother was finally home. He was safe and I finally felt safe in turn, everything was going to be back to normal, back to the life I used to know.

I stepped aside to let Mother, Jarrod, and Eugene, who was home for the happiest of the coincidences, greet Nick as well. It was then that I remembered my brothers hadn't come alone.

Tommy was standing beside Nick, holding a fistful of his black leather vest, never letting it go, even trying to hide behind my brother while he was hugging, in turn, every member of our family. I could see how the boy was growing increasingly uncomfortable among the tears of joy and laughter, loud spoken greetings and exclamations of welcome back to this so much missed son and brother.

The boy was about six years old and I saw it at first sight what a curious and intelligent boy he was. But now, in the confusion of the reunion moment, he seemed to be just very lost, looking younger and smaller than he actually was. A warm feeling filled my heart like I had never felt before. Without even knowing that boy was my new nephew, I fell in love with him with all my heart. That was a deep love and a steel bond that would last our whole lives.

I took Tommy by the hand and he reluctantly followed me, his eyes still on Nick, as I led him toward the house. Once inside, the boy was all eyes full of surprise for everything. I showed him to the kitchen, where Silas promptly offered him some of his famous chocolate cookies, just baked, according to the flavor still sweetly lingering in the air. Tommy sure didn't play hard to get and soon his mouth was full. I exchanged a look with Silas and we both chuckled in amusement and satisfaction. That was a joyous feeling, to have a young boy in our kitchen, in our house.

Later, I learned the poor boy had recently lost his mother. But I was now Aunt Audra, and I would make sure Tommy would never feel lost and alone again. Ever.

 _Jeannie_

Nick Barkley. The awkward teenager had turned into a tall, handsome strong man. I couldn't have pictured him any differently in my imagination. It was like in my dreams, like all the times I had dreamed of seeing him again. Our old selves had gone away forever, our lives had changed. We were no longer the young couple we used to be. He was a man, clearly carrying a great amount of pain in his heart. I was a woman, and my heart belonged to his brother.

Conflicting emotions were fighting in my heart. I was unmistakably touched, the commotion of seeing him again after all those years had brought tears to my eyes, but I was also afraid of what he would think about Heath and me. I lowered my eyes and watched my hands, they were slightly shaking.

But I was going to find that all my fears were unfounded.

Nick hugged me briefly, then quickly put my hand in Heath's with the broad, sincere smile I remembered. Heath just smiled at him and brought my hand to his lips, brushing it with a light kiss.

With the rest of the family, the same family I was becoming to consider as my own, my heart full of joy, I walked inside the house.


	11. Chapter 11

**A Vow of Silence – Chapter 11 (Epilogue)**

 _Nick_

I wouldn't die after all. In my darkest moments, this fact wasn't a consolation. If I had died, I wouldn't be forced to live my life without Julia. The hole her death had dug in my heart was so deep that I knew I could easily let myself fall into it and disappear. But then Tommy was there to remind me my life was worth living.

What had happened in the last few months had left open and bleeding wounds on my tortured soul but maybe, given time, they would heal. Given time, I'd have the strength to open my heart to someone else.

When we arrived at the gate of the Barkley Ranch, Heath brought the buggy to a halt. Tommy was leaning on my arm half asleep, tired after a long trip sitting between Heath and me. I gave him a little tug and waited until I was sure I had his full attention. "Look there, Tommy", I said pointing my finger toward the big white house, watching his eyes grow big. Amused at the effect the sight the Barkley mansion was having on him, I ruffled his hair. "That is home, son, our home", I proudly said and waited for my words to sink in.

Tommy gave me a little smile and said nothing, turning his head toward Heath. The two had quickly formed a bond and they seemed to enjoy each other's company. Heath shot the boy a smile of his own, ruffling his red hair in turn. My brother knew how it could be overwhelming, to a boy who had grown with nearly nothing, a sight like that. Let alone calling it "home". "Boy howdy, Tommy", he said jokingly, "wait till you've tasted Silas' chocolate chip cookies and I promise you'll get used to it all in no time." Tommy laughed at my brother's remark, and I felt grateful for that sound.

Heath clicked his tongue and we proceeded beyond the white pillars, toward our waiting family. They had been waiting for too long. Now it was time for me to give them back a little of what I had taken away from them, leaving without any explanation. Heath had told me what the decision I had made had cost to them all. He hadn't mentioned it, but I knew all too well what it had cost, especially to him.

Audra was the first to see us. She was wearing her riding suit. She stood there on the porch for a moment, unmoving, like a figurine on a shelf. I saw her rush inside and heard her voice call for Mother so loudly it could almost have been me. That made me laugh.

It was then that I began to feel it, the joy to be home.

After a moment, she was rushing back outside, followed by the rest of the family. I saw the incredulity turn into joy on their faces, the faces I had dreamed about, the people I had missed so much.

Audra left them all behind and kept running toward us until the buggy stopped and I jumped down to embrace her. How good it was to hold her in my arms again. In those two months, my little sister had grown, and she was even more beautiful than I remembered.

As soon as we parted, I realized the rest of the family had joined us. They were standing there silently, like fearing to break the spell. There they were, Eugene and Jarrod, beside one another, the oldest and the youngest Barkley sons, both visibly moved. Just a step behind, almost hiding behind her children, as if fearing it was just a dream, the woman I had the privilege to call…

"Mother" I exclaimed in a choked voice.

"Oh, Nick", she cried and flew in my arms.

That actually broke the spell and suddenly there were tears, words, laughs and hugs. It was such a relief to finally touch them, to finally know I was home for good.

As Heath had revealed on our way home, Jeannie Price was there. She was just as pretty as I remembered. But, she was now a woman and a different person altogether. And most important, she was in love with my brother. Heath had told me she had come to the ranch looking for me. Being his usual self, he had been reluctant to tell me all the truth but at last he had confessed they were in love. Deeply in love. I knew how accurate that was as soon as I watched them together. The way they looked at each other was unmistakable. I was nothing but happy for them. At the moment, in my heart, there was room for just one woman, my Julia.

But, they didn't touch. They were nervous around each other and around me. They were still waiting for my approval, they didn't feel free to love each other. I literally felt their happiness when I put Jean's hand in Heath's. My brother deserved that happiness he had been chasing his whole life and that had always been out of reach.

I introduced Tommy as my son and nobody asked me questions, not for the moment. We had all the time in the world for doing the talking. At the moment, all we needed was to be together again.

When we were on the threshold, I turned my head to take a last look at the buggy, among all the joy and happiness of our family reunion, I couldn't avoid the thought of what we had been carrying on the back side, a casket covered with a cloth. The lifeless body of my beloved wife, of the only true love I had ever known, my Julia, was there.

Later, that same day, my three brothers helped me bury her. A sad task that was, but needed to be done immediately. I chose for her the same spot where our father's grave was.

I wasn't ashamed of my brothers watching me. Watching big, tough Nick Barkley cry.

It was a perfect day that Sunday, warm and sunny, the sky so clear blue that could be compared to the color of Heath's eyes. It was perfect, because I was finally home, with the people I loved. It was perfect because there were no more secrets among us. It was perfect because I would live. It was perfect because I was spending it with my son, my beloved Julia's son, Tommy. Now, I was ready to take back the reins of my life, I had a son to raise. I sure wasn't alone everyone loved Tommy already, and he soon adjusted to the family. Much like Heath had been, he was another missing piece coming back in its place.

Heath and I were by the corral, our forearms leaning on the highest board, both our boots hooked on the lowest one, watching the boy riding his new horse. It was a gift from Heath, the little black mare that had brought my brother all his way from Strawberry into our lives.

"Hey, Pa, Look at me!", Tommy yelled, proudly sitting on his mount, and we both waved toward him.

He was the perfect little cowboy. He was wearing my spurs around his neck. They were far too big for his feet nor they were worthy to be used on the sweet little mare, but Tommy wouldn't consider parting with them, as they were a reminder of our old life, when he, Julia and I were a family. Tommy had also received my old saddle as a gift, the very same that once laid, unused and useless, in my room, a mere memento of a long time gone past. Gene had given him one of his old cowboy hats he used to wear in the short period he wanted to be like me, as a boy. It was a little too large and tended to slide down on Tommy's forehead, but would do, for now. Mother had bought him new little perfectly fitting cowboy boots just for him.

As I watched him sit there upright, so natural on that little horse, I felt something inside my heart but couldn't tell what that might exactly be, just yet. Then, suddenly, the right word came to my mind, pride. I was proud, so proud of my son. The mental connection came easily as I took a quick look at Heath from the corner of my eye. He was a natural-born horseman, but he hadn't had a chance to have his own horse until after the war, the little, perfectly trained Modoc pony Tommy was riding right now.

I felt sorry for Father, who neither had nor would ever feel the same feeling of pride for a son he had never known, that same strong feeling that was now filling my heart for this other son.

I had had time, those last days, to think back about all that had happened since Heath had arrived. Since day one, he would have done anything, anything for me. And, what had I done to deserve such loyalty? I had given him nothing but rejection and grief. Just recently our relationship had begun to change and I had no doubt it was bound to blossom. But then the wolf had arrived and I had demanded of him a vow of silence. I was just now beginning to realize how much suffering it had caused him and the whole family.

All of sudden, I realized what deep in my heart I already known, how lucky we had all been that Heath had found us, that he had chosen to stay with us. I finally fully realized that I was the luckiest of men that I had this trusty, loyal, good man for a brother. I felt the need to let Heath know how sorry I was to have caused him pain, how grateful I was to have him in my life, how much he meant to me. I wanted… no, I needed to finally tell him the place he actually held in my heart.

"Look, Heath… there's something I need to tell you", I begun. I raised my eyes to see if I had his attention. Heath nodded he was listening. "What I asked you… uh… what I asked you to do… our promise. It wasn't right, Heath."

He shook his head in denial, ready to diminish what he had done. "Nick…", he began. "Let me finish, boy!", I said a little gruffly, afraid of losing my courage. "Go ahead", he said, looking slightly afraid. He was probably thinking I was going to tell him something about Jeannie.

I sighed. I am a confident man not afraid of speaking my mind. But, I seldom speak my feelings. It wasn't easy for me but Heath deserved to hear what I had to say. I owed this to him, so I made the effort and spoke directly from my heart.

"As I was saying before you interrupted me", I said and I cleared my throat "Heath, what I asked of you was too much. It wasn't right. And I want you to know that now I realize that I never treated you right, Heath, and how wrong I was."

"Boy howdy, Nick, are you really apologizing?", Heath asked with a half smile.

"Uh… well, yea, I suppose I'm really apologizing" I mumbled. "You breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll have your hide", I added, pointing a menacing finger at him.

Heath chuckled and I smiled. He was watching Tommy and I studied his profile, his fine features, his blond hair under his tan hat. He had been quiet the whole time and that hadn't surprised me. He was as quiet as I was loud. He was as thoughtful as I was impulsive. What I lacked, he possessed abundantly and vice versa. I widened my eyes at my new discovery. Now it was so clear to see, how had I been so blind not to see that until then? Heath and I completed each other. He was the other part of myself, the missing part of my soul.

More touched than I cared to show, I reached out and grabbed his arm to make him turn toward me.

"Thank you, Heath", I said.

"Nick, I'd do anything for you.", he answered fondly.

"You have proved that more than enough, Heath. I want you to know how thankful and blessed I feel to have you in my life and how proud I am to call you brother", I stated, still holding his arm.

I watched him blush, as the smile I had learned to get used to appeared on his face. That was the one smile he reserved to special occasions, the one I had once compared to a little bird. It was now flapping his wings once again, once again lightly caressing my heart.

I released his arm and patted his shoulder, smiling back at him. No more words were needed. We both went back to watch Tommy. It felt so good to just be there that day. It felt so right to have said what had been needed to be said for a long time.

 _Heath_

With Nick's blessing, my love story with Jeannie Price continued and blossomed. It was real love. A passionate, deep love, made not only of a compelling physical attraction but also of an unbelievable understanding. We were the perfect match, the two halves of an apple. In a few months, things were getting serious and we were beginning to talk about getting married.

That was a very good time, for me. I had everything. I had a wonderful woman who would soon become my wife, I had a loving family and had no more doubts about what I meant to them, especially to the brother that meant so much to me, Nick.

That day, I was with him by the corral, watching Tommy ride the little Modoc that had been mine and was now his. Suddenly, Nick did something he had never done before, not only had he apologized, but he told me he cared for me. I can't explain what I felt at the words he spoke. That was worth every drop of sweat, every spilled tear, every struggle, every fight, all that I had suffered, sometimes thinking I was going to lose my sanity, for the secret I had kept for him.

Tommy had adjusted in the family very quickly and nicely. He was a smart boy, with a tendency to get himself into trouble. I bet Nick was just like him when he was his age. In fact, I finally had the chance to see Mother in action, threatening him with her famous wooden spoon. That was just priceless. Audra spoiled him in every possible way. We all loved him. Nick had done for him what our father hadn't done for me, and that made me feel repaid, somehow.

I felt so blessed to be a part of this family.

Tommy passed yet once again in front of us, so proud on his saddle, and a little light turned on in my mind. I smiled to myself and nudged Nick's flank with my elbow. "Hey, Nick".

"What?"

"Have you noticed?"

"What?"

"The boy's name. Tommy is a nickname for Thomas. His name is actually Thomas Barkley". I talked nonchalantly, letting my words fall out of my mouth one after the other like pebbles dropped into a pond, and I watched the transformation the idea of what I had just said did to Nick. I recognized what was at first realization, then amazement, and, finally, a deep emotion.

Nick propped his arm around my shoulders and squeezed fondly. He turned his head to look me in the eyes, nodding with conviction. "That's right, Heath, that's his name, Thomas Barkley, like our father", he stated proudly, and I just smiled.

Nick's son, my nephew, was going to proudly wear our father's name. I was going to marry the only woman I could ever love. Our family was reunited and complete, and I was happy like never before.

THE END


End file.
